...I can't breath with these words in my mouth...

I'm writing a new movie. This one is the one. It is going to be the movie I will be proud of. New story. I haven't done anything like this one. I need everyone's help.

If you want to be a part of this email me. dirtzero@gmail.com

Its about life, love, and everything that fucks them up. Its about us. Its about you. Its about her. Its about him. Its about the sun, and snow, and rain, and fog.

...its about my porch.

Reese's Pieces and Country Time Lemonade

Why can't I ever say what I mean? I'm always too wrapped up behind some dark veil that prevents me from telling people how I feel until it's too late.

But anyway. Things seem to be returning to normal. After a seven hour drive and a 60mph 720 on the highway, Tyler has returned to the land of ice and snow. Now that just leaves Jordan, Marb, and Elise. It has been a while since all of the roommates were in the house for more than 3 weeks. Who know what will happen next.

I was finally able to talk to her. But I might not get to see her for New Years. Hopefully I'll see her soon.

Meredith Godreau

If Jordan gets to marry Regina Spektor, I get to marry Meredith Godreau, the goddess behind Gregory and the Hawk.

Fair is fair Jordan.

Mother Nature Is Into S&M

A few things have changed in the last day. I am no longer as eager and hopeful that my roommates will return soon, if ever. Its not that I don't want them to, because I really fucking do, but I think I am getting used to the changes that take place when you are alone for a few days. I've never actually experienced being alone like this. I mean, during the summer there were a few days where I was on the complete opposite sleep schedule from every one in the house so I effectively did not see anyone for a few days. But that was different. They were there. At the house, I could have seen them. All I had to do was sleep a little shorter or stay up a little longer and I would have had company. Now, however, there is no one to see if I stay up a little bit longer. There is no one.

And I think that I am not as heartbroken about this as I thought I might be at this point. Not as lonely and wanting attention. I don't really care if my roommates decide to stay wherever they are past New Years.

This is probably a good thing that I've come to this way of thinking. Because we are supposed to get another huge fucking blizzard again. Tomorrow. Right when things here are starting to melt and go back to normal. I hate snow. I've decided this. Winter is the worst fucking season of them all. And I live in Denver, Colorado of all places.

We aren't supposed to get some snow. We aren't supposed to get dumped on again. If word around the water cooler is to be believed, we are going to get punished! Ass-rammed by mother nature and all her glory.

I really hope they were wrong. I hope we get some light flurries (whatever the hell that word means) and move on with our lives. Its times like these that one could use a fat pack of cigarettes and good friend to curse God with. Unfortunitely, I have neither. I really need a cigarette, but all my money is in check form and Well's Fargo thinks its funny to poke me through some service that makes it impossible for me to open a checking account anywhere and thereby making me stuck here with nothing but other people's food and a check for almost $300 that is completely useless to me right now. I have to call some obscure phone number, give all my information that the great country of the USA has given me just so I can "submit my claim", and wait for 2 weeks for them to call me back so they can tell me what the fuck Well's Fargo thinks that I did that was so wrong so that I can fix it and get a new checking account (not with Well's) and pay my fucking rent and buy some fucking food...and cigarettes. Yeah, those would be nice right about now.

That was my rant against the world for the day. Brought to you by: Mountain Dew, and Good Times.

I hope she likes Dew and Good Times. Every girl that I've dated/liked/been interested in has been a vegetarian. I can't date a vegetarian. I like meat too damn much. Sorry to those couple of girls that are. I'm sorry, but when I get married (if ever) I am having steak at my wedding. Oh! And we're having wedding pie. I hate cake.

...this is the latest from saddle creek...

Its funny how a huge snow storm like the one we had a few days ago will bring out the best in people. In fact, its funny how any sort of mass-inconvenience will bring people to the frame of mind to help one another. I saw four people helping an old woman dig her car out on the way to work. I would have stopped to help but they got her car out by the time I got over there. She offered them money for their troubles but they denied her. The spirit of the holidays I guess. Denver is still completely covered in snow. But now everything is "mushy" and wet. Which, by they way for any of you who have no experienced this, is a complete pain in the ass.

Its not a huge deal for me because I am fortunate enough not to own a car. But I do walk to work and I have to do so in the "mushy" snow. At this point the snow is a lot like walking in sand. Wet sand. Wet, cold, sand.

I thought I would be a lot more saddened about spending Christmas alone. I thought to myself, "Is there anything more pathetic that spending this holiday alone, watching movies?" But then I thought of something. This holiday is about making people happy, right? What about all those people that I made happier because I was there to sell them a movie ticket so they could go see a movie with their family? I'm sure on some level I made them really happy. So I, in turn, am a happier person because of it. Besides, there's not really a whole lot that I could do about it. So why complain now? Its not going to change anything, so I might as well make the best of it.

I watched a couple of really cool movies. I watched American Psycho, Jackie Brown, Kalifornia, and The Machinist. All of these movies were amazing. I had seen all but The Machinist before so there weren't too many surprises.

I wonder if she would like The Machinist?

This One's For You

Happy Holidays Everyone!!! I hope everyone had a wonderful day of gift giving and the like. And I hope all of you have a spectacular new year!

You Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

So here I am, I've posted twice in one day. But it doesn't really feel like the same day because between then and now I have slept. It was a wonderful sleep, the only thing that disrupted this was Ace calling me to tell me that Nick is bringing us a shared Christmas present. What the hell could it be? My thoughts?

Beer.

or some other kind of booze.

This seems to be the basis for the reletionship that we have with this kid. He buys us booze and we pay him back with our hilarity and hopeless sillyness. Sometimes we give the kid money. Mostly he comes over and tells us the proper way to do many things. He is, after all, a fucking genius when it comes to anything and everything.

I would kill anyone for you. Oatmeal is the shit. Nothing hits the spot on a cold-ass morning/afternoon than a piping hot bowl of yummy oatmeal.

So I sit here, not quite alone yet. Marb and Elise have yet to leave. Elise is still at work, and they aren't leaving until she gets back. Then for several days, I will be alone. Including tomorrow. Christmas. Being alone on this holiday has made me see the complete pointlessness of this day. All we do is give shit away and sit around and talk to our family until we can't stand them anymore. It used to be that after a while I would retreat to whatever video game system was available and I would play the game I got until my eyes bled. I wouldn't even really celebrate the new year. I would sit there and game until I was forced back to school. At which point I would continue to slack off and fail most of my classes. All because of video games and this holiday.

But this year, I am alone. I will be working tomorrow. When I get home? Who knows. I may just go to bed.

I'm sorry. Its not completely pointless. You get to see the family that you haven't seen in a very long time. But I don't get that this year. Oh well. Its not like I won't ever see them again.

As for New Years? I hope to go to Boulder this year. That would be really cool. Get drunk and stupid and talk to strangers until I pass out in a drunken stupor. Sounds like some sort of fun to me.

Who knows? I may even run into her.

Change

Working on Christmas blows. But some things must be done that need to be done. I am not really complaining too much, I mean I'm not going home for Christmas this year. That's kind of a downer but I guess there are some things in life that you have to get used to in order to become a stronger person on the other side. This is going to be the first year in my entire life that I will be spending Christmas alone. I cared at first, a lot. But I have come to find that I don't care as much as I thought I would at this point.

Tomorrow is Christmas. I have to work from four to eleven on Christmas evening. I guess that would be kind of a big deal if my parents lived here. But they are back in New Mexico doing their own thing, while I am in Denver doing mine.

Its funny to think how things have changed around here in the last three months. I no longer miss home as much. A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend of some nineteen months, just the other day. My other roommates have had some rough patches in their respective reletionships, while I remain alone and not caring all that much. I mean sometimes it would be nice to have someone that you could really connect with on a level unlike anyone else. But then again, it is nice to have some freedom. Its nice to live my own life, and I'm not having to worry about if my actions are going to make things rocky between me and my other.

That was my attitude for the entire time I have been up here.

Then I met a girl from Boulder.

Winter in Denver

So play for me the chorus to the American Dream. I have forgotten how it sounds. I've lost what it means to make things right again. I've lost what it means to Love and get by with almost nothing. Something changed in my mind the other day. Something that I hope to one day replace with someone special. Until then, I suppose I will just sit back and live the life I was meant to from the beginning. There is really nothing else to do but cry and lose what make you, you. Only to be re-born the next day as something magnificent and unlike anything the world has ever seen.

I've never been this way before. Maybe I don't need to replace anything. Maybe things have fallen into place just as they should. If that's true, why do I still care about being careful? I am too nice a person to get by in this world, get by in this town. Get by in my own mind. I can't think of anything lately. A sort of writers block. But this is blocking they way I think about life, love and the world outside my door.

It is so fucking cold outside. In more than one way. More so in the way that traps the soul in an everlasting blanket of numbing pain and sorrow. There are no more leaves on any of the trees outside. That saddens me in a way I never thought possible. I guess I'm just used the the fucking warm weather. I guess I am more American than I thought I was. I get so used to something, that when any sort of change comes sweeping by, I can't help but recoil into a shell of what I used to be until not even I can recognize who is underneath the turmoil. Until not even I can recognize who is the pussy under the shame and doubt. Sometimes I hate what I am.

Other times I find myself in a place that I hold over other people. I hold myself higher in such a way that it is almost divine providence that I would get knocked on my ass and weep for the things that I've done and the people I've crushed in the process.

Fuck progress. Progress only leads to more pain in the road ahead of us.